"What does it mean, say the words, that the earth is so beautiful?
And what shall I do about it? What is the gift that I should bring to the world?
What is the life that I should live?"
— Mary Oliver
***
the great pumpkin patch
We spent a few hours at the pumpkin patch a couple of days ago. He picked out four pumpkins and wandered through the fall flower garden. Suddenly everything is about Halloween, and it is so much fun!
"Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."
-Linus
***
courage
“Let's be in awe
which doesn't mean
anything but the courage
to gape like fish at the surface
breaking around our mouths
as we meet the air.”
― Mark Nepo
We leave for a few days, off to see family. There is a bit of tension, along with plenty of memories, all swirling up inside of me. I worry I will step backwards, allowing myself to regress back into the past. But, I surprise myself by speaking up, by somehow finding the courage to give a different perspective to the stories. A viewpoint where I am allowed to be one of the main characters with a voice. I come home with no regrets, along with a bit of sparkle.
***
the lump in the throat
“Fear lives in the head. And courage lives in the heart. The job is to get from one to the other.”
“And between the two is the lump in the throat,”― Louise Penny, The Long Way Home
I have found a quietness in taking photos daily that has surprised me. Emotions, the changing of the seasons, along with love and even pain, have all shown up, over the last couple of months. bringing with them a new awareness. I find myself less self conscious. when I am out in public, camera in hand, and am learning to pay no mind to people who walk around me or watch with curiosity. I find I study my subjects more, trying to listen to both my head and my heart.
I live often now with the lump in my throat, the lump a prelude to the emotions and memories rising deep inside of me. I think often now of the past, but have somehow worked my way out of living there.
The lump in the throat often brings a smile, and sometimes tears, which I am happy to report are not tears brought on by fear, or sadness, but rather, love, gratitude, and joy.
***
with purpose
"We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything
if we cannot change our thinking."
— Santosh Kalwar
***
The darkness starts to recede and clarity, along with light follows. I find my way as I slip into a place of comfort, but don’t get too cocky, as I know how this works. Hope surfaces as stability begins to replace uncertainty, bringing a bit of balance into the picture. I am slowly learning to tune in, to take note of what stirs feelings and emotions up within me, and then work, with purpose, to capture those feelings with my camera.
the magic hour
“It was the Magic Hour, the moment in time when every leaf and blade of grass seemed to separate, when sunlight, burnished by the rain and softened by the coming night, gave the world an impossibly beautiful glow.”
― Kristin Hannah, Magic Hour
I wonder how often I overlook the magic hour. How I don’t look up from my book, or am so focused on making the salad for dinner, I don’t take in what is happening around me. But this hour was too bold to miss. Even he said something.
***
demanding more
“So sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands.”
― May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
***
This is the closest I got to water this summer, except for that one day. That one day when I took a brief 15 minute swim, alone. A summer passed, with me on the shore, yearning but unable to ask for more. I see this so clearly now as summer fades and I walk into autumn. Ask for more I tell myself once again. NO, demand it.
autumn leaves
"For a small child, there is no division between playing and learning, between the things he or she does just for fun and the things that are educational.
The child learns while living, and any part of living that is enjoyable is also play."
- Penelope Leach
***
leaf study with glue
We head to the park where I set him loose to gather leaves. My job is to hold the bag and oo and ah. A few days later I dump them out, along side some paper, and hand him the glue bottle, and “leave” him to it. Later I ask if he wants to take it home, and he tells me he wants me to have it. I hang it in the kitchen where it will remind me of how lucky I am to “play” with him.